I started reading Popular by Tindell Baldwin this morning, I’m only 3 chapters in and it has me thinking so much. I thought about myself in high school and even thus far in college and I despise the person I see in those thoughts. I lie(d) to people when it benefits me. I use(d) people as long as it makes me happy (no matter how temporary that “happiness” is). I'd drink (recently haven’t been drinking the past month though) to forget all the feelings I don’t want to have. Tindell makes a great point when saying this:
"It's easy to give something up if you never put your whole heart into it. I made the decision to leave God like you sign up for new classes."
-Popular, Tindell Baldwin
She’s absolutely right! I've so easily given up on stuff that I never invested my heart in, it’s extremely easy to do when there’s no feelings involved. Although I didn't make a decision to leave God, since I have never had a relationship with him in the first place (my heart was never invested), I also never made any efforts to get to know my Heavenly Father either. With each drank I had, each boy I used to fill a void and feel worthy of someone’s “love", each time I manipulated someone to benefit myself---I was subconsciously making that decision to push God even further away than he already was.
I've always been the type to thrive off of attention (particularly from guys). I NEED for people to like me. When I was feeling down or unworthy, I’d seek attention of the male variety and fix that pain for a little while, but then it would just leave me feeling as empty as before. It was a viscous cycle. I justified all of these things I was doing because they benefited me, I never cared who I hurt along the way or how I hurt them…as long as I was “happy” then that’s all that mattered. This book has had me in tears thinking of all my past decisions that have made me this way, and honestly, I do regret them. I regret that I haven’t been living a life that honors God and gives him glory. I think the thing that breaks my heart the most though is that I won’t be able to completely give myself to my husband one day…I gave that away so easily for a little bit of attention that only left me feeling broken. I know God has created a man for me though that will not hold my past against me & love me just the same. I know I shouldn't regret anything because it all was part of shaping the person I am, but I do. And I'm not going to dwell on those past decisions and mistakes, but rather thrive from them and live differently from now on--like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
I’ve also been crying tears of happiness because I know that through this process I’m in of trying to find my relationship with God that he’ll forgive me and make me whole again. The past 6-ish years, I’ve seriously lacked morals and any type of standards, but all of that is (slowly) changing now. The hardest part has been to not fall back into those old habits and methods of coping when I’m feeling unloved or upset or just having a bad day, but rather to look to God to find all those things. So far, my adolescent/adult life has been pretty empty & unfulfilling, packed with false happiness and I’m ready for the rest of my life to be full of love, happiness, and feeling worthy. I know that I’m a loved child of God-- I’m still in the long, messy, crazy, rewarding process of becoming a person who outwardly reflects that.
I've always been the type to thrive off of attention (particularly from guys). I NEED for people to like me. When I was feeling down or unworthy, I’d seek attention of the male variety and fix that pain for a little while, but then it would just leave me feeling as empty as before. It was a viscous cycle. I justified all of these things I was doing because they benefited me, I never cared who I hurt along the way or how I hurt them…as long as I was “happy” then that’s all that mattered. This book has had me in tears thinking of all my past decisions that have made me this way, and honestly, I do regret them. I regret that I haven’t been living a life that honors God and gives him glory. I think the thing that breaks my heart the most though is that I won’t be able to completely give myself to my husband one day…I gave that away so easily for a little bit of attention that only left me feeling broken. I know God has created a man for me though that will not hold my past against me & love me just the same. I know I shouldn't regret anything because it all was part of shaping the person I am, but I do. And I'm not going to dwell on those past decisions and mistakes, but rather thrive from them and live differently from now on--like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
I’ve also been crying tears of happiness because I know that through this process I’m in of trying to find my relationship with God that he’ll forgive me and make me whole again. The past 6-ish years, I’ve seriously lacked morals and any type of standards, but all of that is (slowly) changing now. The hardest part has been to not fall back into those old habits and methods of coping when I’m feeling unloved or upset or just having a bad day, but rather to look to God to find all those things. So far, my adolescent/adult life has been pretty empty & unfulfilling, packed with false happiness and I’m ready for the rest of my life to be full of love, happiness, and feeling worthy. I know that I’m a loved child of God-- I’m still in the long, messy, crazy, rewarding process of becoming a person who outwardly reflects that.
I love this verse because it reassures me that through this journey of finding my way to God that He is protecting me and allowing me to find Him and He will always be there to comfort me. He will truly be my shield.
Feel free to leave comments..tweet me (@Srat_Life), beep me if ya wanna reach me..DM me (if I'm not following you let me know & I will), email me ([email protected]), smoke signal me, send me a Morse code message...y'all get it, you're all more than welcome to contact me and talking about anything!
Hope you're having a great week so far!
-SL
Hope you're having a great week so far!
-SL